It has been about 7 months since I logged on and wrote a post. Reason you ask? I don’t have a reason that’s adequately valid. The past 7 months or so have been a roller coaster. Great highs and some lows. But never bold enough to stop me on my tracks because I still managed to galivant my way through these streets. If you know what I mean.
2019 overall will forever be in the books. Looking back, I remember having this conversation with one of my good friends talking about how we were going to live it up. From travels, summer flings and just party like it was back in the 90’s. If I must say, I did exactly just that. My mission was accomplished and all that I had put out to the universe came into existence. Not only did I get to visit London for the second time in the same year, but I was able to attend my first afro punk festival in Atlanta. I also got to visit one of my very good friends in Houston, Texas for July 4th who I only met this year in Paris. These were the major events I had planned for, not counting the little weekend spontaneous trips that came out of the blue (Future posts). All in all, I had a blast and I am truly grateful.
At this point I bet you are wondering what really motivated me to finally get my act together and write to yall. I’ve never really considered myself a writer. But writing/journaling has always been therapeutic. In the past, My best material have all been drafted when I am emotionally going through it. As great as 2019 has been, the best thing that happened to me was also the worst thing that devastated me and got me to a place I never knew or imagine I would be at. I finally got to taste what love truly feels and looks like only to lose it all.
Among my friends I have always been a late bloomer when it came to dating, love, sex etc. In return, not only have I have been fortunate enough to see what true love should look like, but I have also been exposed to the ugly truth of it. Falling in love was the best thing I’ve experienced in all my life. I mean, it trumps the travel adventures and even the love of food I have. It brought a different kind of joy, accomplishment and a feeling that was so strong and impeccable, words could not even describe. The best part about falling in love, was that it also looked subsequently good on me. I am naturally a lover and I maneuver through this thing we call life with my heart on my sleeve. I am now realizing I need to change that strategy.
This was a different kind of love though. Not the one you get from friends and family. It was intimate, emotional with a sense of vulnerability yet filled with passion. The love felt authentic, genuine and real. At least on my part it was. Now looking back, I guess I was just head over hills. All love songs that I had been singing and enjoying all my life in the name of Rnb, finally started making sense. As corny as it sounds, everything I had been fighting so hard for almost didn’t matter anymore. That feeling of lacking and always striving for more suddenly became a feeling of satisfaction. This new stage of my life felt so right and authentic because it was after I had one of the realest conversations with God. A prayer that I had asked God to specifically send me someone that can show me the same kind of love in human and physical form. Although being exposed to the different aspects of love from those around me, nothing could have really prepared me enough to handle my first heart break.
This experience literally felt like the show “90-day fiancé”. The only difference was that it wasn’t immigration separating me from my happiness. In just those 6 months I experienced most things in a relationship you could think of that folks have barely experienced in a 3-year relationship. Not mentioning any names. We did the long distance, multiple spontaneous trips which were basically mini vacations, Conversations about life, family, dreams, insecurities fears. Etc. Mind you, these are conversations I have had before with friends, but it wasn’t the same when your having it with a potential partner. I Went on dates that you only see in movies and furthermore a connection and chemistry that only one could get from a soulmate. For the first time in my life I felt beautiful, sexy and attractive. Somebody finally saw the beauty that I saw in myself every time when I look in the mirror. For once I was never the third wheeler or the single one of the group.
Those who know me well are aware of how vocal I am when it comes to self-love, acceptance and not settling for less in relationships. It was refreshing to showcase and represent, that with such a kind of mindset in frame, genuine love from a significant other will be drawn to you. So yeah, I was deeply in love and I felt I deserved it because I had put in the work and was patient. For those who have been in love before, I am sure you can totally relate, or you are either looking at me sideways and thinking of how dramatic I am.
I am not going to get into the nitty gritty of the situation but let’s just say I wouldn’t change a thing if I was to turn back time. Leading up to the break up, deep down I knew what the real deal was. In the words of one of my favorite artist Ledisi, “Sometimes we don’t listen to what we already know”.
I am currently at work at as I write this post reflecting on everything. Believe it or not this post has been sitting on my desktop for about a month now. Editing and finding the right way to jot down my emotions, thoughts and feelings as I formulate them into words. In this case a blog post. Although I am still grieving from this heart break, I am aware of everything good that has happened in my life even if it’s very difficult to focus on the positives.
Falling in love has taught me a lot about myself and my relationship with those around me. I now understand how my relationship with family and friends’ impact and play a significant role when you are a building a relationship with a significant other. I saw the kind of individual I am when in a relationship and I finally understood all the work and commitment it involves when in a relationship.
Love and every aspect of it is the biggest lesson I am taking from 2019. I pray and hope that the new year will be a catalyst for me. Letting my gut and intuitions be my compass. Allowing my soul to be un-afraid to grow wings and fly in whatever direction the universe calls me. May the seeds I have planted and the one’s I am planting continue to come to fruition. Lastly but not least, may the love I have for myself and the one that I continue to discover, show others how I deserved to be loved.
For now, back to singing tunes like tori Kelly’s “dear no one”.